OPENING SCENE
Jerry: (Pacing furiously around his living room, hunched over his cellphone.) “This new phone! Why isn’t it working?”
Kramer: (Enters, more like smashes, through the front door. He sees Jerry freaking out over the phone.) “Your phone? Again?”
Jerry: “It’s the Constellation 3000. I paid a lot for this phone!”
Kramer: (Fatherly manner.) “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. Don’t you see what you’ve done to yourself? You’ve become a slave to technology. (In a mocking voice.) ‘Gotta have my phone. Can’t go anywhere without my phone. Love my phone.’ Not me Jerry! I stop and smell the roses.”
Jerry: (Whining voice.) “I don’t wanna smell the roses. I just want my new phone to work.”
Kramer: “Hey Jer, let me borrow your phone for a sec. I gotta check out any new hits on my dating site.”
Jerry: “Kramer, you put a dating site on my phone? Why don’t you put it on your own phone?”
Kramer: (Embarrassed). “I can’t. I don’t have a cell phone. My old phone is still wired to the wall. That’s the beauty of it, Jerry! No robocalls, no spam texts, no tracking cookies!”
Jerry: “You’re living off the grid?”
Kramer: “I am the grid.” (Taps forehead.)
Jerry: “Oh, all right.” (Tosses him the phone.)
(A buzzer sounds. Jerry goes over to the intercom.) “Yeah?” (A voice answers.) “It’s George.”
Jerry: “Come on up.”
George: (Enters happily.) “Jerry, I’m bursting. I’m so happy. I’m bursting, I tell you. I just made a lot of money. You won’t believe it!”
Jerry: “How?”
Kramer: “Yeah how?”
George: “I got this phone call from my bank this morning.” (Holds his cell phone up.) “Someone is trying to steal what little money I have out of my account. The bank has been trying to catch these crooks forever. And they say they’re closer thanks to me, Jerry. Thanks to me. Can you believe it, Jerry?
“I’m bursting I tell you. It’s part of a rewards program. After they borrow the money from me, if they catch the guy with my help I get a big, fat, juicy reward. I double my money. If it doesn’t work I get my money back. It’s a win-win, I tell ya.”
Jerry: “How much did you give them?”
George: “All of it. Why? Is there a problem? I like my bank. Every teller knows my name — ‘Hey George’ — and has a tray of free lollipops. I always get a lollipop.”
Jerry: (About to lecture but interrupted by the buzzer. It’s Elaine.) “Come on up.”
Elaine: (Enters with biggest smile possible.) “Hello and guess what? You won’t believe who called me today. Me. Little ol’ Elaine Benes.”
Jerry: “Who?”
Elaine: (Pausing with each letter for emphasis.) “The F… B… I.”
Jerry: “The FBI? Why would they call you?”
Elaine: “They’re running a sting operation against a foreign businessman, and they need women like me in their (coughs) twenties to drop off the money.”
Jerry: “Lying to the FBI. Even about your age. That’s a crime, Elaine.” (Steps away from her.)
Elaine: “Oh Jerry, he’s so cute. Special Agent Joe Davola. He sent his photo to my phone. He said we might meet sometime for (coughs) coffee.”
Jerry: Oh, between the three of you. The FBI. The bank reward, and the …”
Elaine: “There’s a reward?”
George: “I’ll tell you later.”
Jerry: “Anyway, as I was saying, now Kramer is on a dating site and …”
George: “I’ve always wanted to try that. How does it work?”
Kramer: “I’ll show you later.”
Jerry: “As I was saying-”
Kramer: (Interrupts.) “You saw the photo of that hot little number in the bikini? Well, the real one they fixed me up with is 93 years old. They tricked me Jerry. They said we were compatible. But don’t worry. I’ll reimburse you for all the charges on your phone.”
Jerry: “Kramer, you put charges on my card?”
Kramer: “I had to Jerry. Grandma charges $5 a minute. But she’s worth it.” (Stops and smiles at memories.)
Jerry: “Anyway, between the three of you, I feel like I’m the only one with half a brain. All your capers are ridiculous. No wonder you all lost money.”
George: “Capers. I like that. We’re doing capers.”
Jerry: (Scornfully) “Yeah, you and your capers.”
CLOSING SCENE
(Jerry is pacing around, trying to get his phone to work.) “This stupid phone! I hate it!”
(Kramer bursts through the door. George and Elaine are buzzed up.)
Elaine: (Tosses her big purse on the sofa in defeat.) “Well, I’m done. That’s it for me. My career in law enforcement is over.”
Jerry: “What happened?”
Elaine: “That FBI sting? They wanted to use my money to buy gift cards. Only a moron would do that. So I guess I’m a moron. Anyone need a gift card?”
George: (Raises his hand.) “Me, too. I can’t believe I fell for that. There’s no bank reward. Just humiliation.”
Jerry: “How about you, Kramer?”
Kramer: “Oh, Granny and I are dating. We talk through Facebook.”
(The phone rings.)
Jerry: (Screams.) “Don’t answer it!! Nobody touches that phone!! I’ve come to the conclusion that we must keep the real world out of our lives. We can’t talk to anybody or do anything. Then and only then will we be safe.”
George: “That’s brilliant Jerry. Seclusion for safety. The only place I’ll ever go is here, right here in this apartment.”
Elaine: “Me, too.”
Kramer: “OK, but can Granny come for a visit sometime?”
Jerry, George and Elaine: (Together they shout him down.) “Kramer!!!”
CURTAIN
In the Know
Financial protection seminar
Hosted by Chase Bank
The public is invited. (You don’t have to be a Chase customer.)
When: Friday, Nov. 21, 2025, noon to 2 p.m.
Where: Oak Cliff Community Center Branch, 3929 S. Polk St., Dallas, 75224
